Bankrupt FTX Yacht Club

FTX: What To Tell Your Family — And Barista
Staff Writer

Well it’s happened (again). Crypto is once again hitting normies timelines and they’re all interested in hearing about the rise and fall of Sam Bankman-Fried. It can be a trying time for the crypto native, so I’ve put together a little guide depending on who will inevitably ask about the situation.

Roomie (spouse)

You know how if we keep money in the bank the government insures it for up to $250,000? Well that money I put in FTX isn’t insured, and founders of FTX used it for bad trades. So it’s probably gone. I’ll sleep on the couch tonight...

Conservative uncle

So this zoomer, Sam Bankman-Fried, he’s the son of two well-connected Stanford professors and he’s also given a ton of money to Democratic candidates  — he donated almost $40 million in the last year, behind only George Soros (who needs no introduction). Well he founded this crypto (fake money) exchange and now it’s bankrupt, but we all know where that money is going (pick favorite QAnon conspiracy).

Anti-crypto boomer parents

Remember in the late ’80s when Charles Keating was selling worthless junk bonds for Lincoln Savings and Loan and making high-risk investments with customers’ money before losing it all? Well your Keating is our Bankman-Fried, without the blatant homophobia. Also, you’ll love this, Congress wants to advance a bill that would provide more oversight over digital assets. Junior’s industry is getting government control too! (Don’t tell your parents Bankman-Fried backed the bill.)

Millennial hippie cousin

Did you hear about that crypto exchange founder who bankrupt his company? Well he was into effective altruism and there’s this insane profile written about him by VC firm Sequoia Capital where they talk about EA and the optimal way to live where the “most good can be done by choosing to make the most money possible — in order to give it all away.”

But as it turned out all this meant was they would function like a pseudo-cult, taking extreme risk with customer funds in the name of the greater good.

“I think it’s hard to justify being risk-averse on your own personal impact,” Bankman-Fried says in the now-hidden profile (cached to read). “Unless you’re doing it for personal reasons.” 

It also meant cult-like work environments where “stimulants” were encouraged. Bankman-Fried’s CEO, Caroline Ellison, confirmed this usage back in 2019, and an anonymous FTX employee (though unconfirmed) said Bankman-Fried used to use a patch to get amphetamines into his system faster.

Meanwhile, there have been several stories, including one from Fortune, saying that most of the team, which was located in the Bahamas, were romantically involved with each other.

BTC maxi friend

Orange coin good. Not your keys, not your coins. Get rekt shitcoin hodlers.

NFT maxi Discord friend

Congrats on not having any money on FTX since all your funds are in illiquid jpegs. Yes the coins are crashing but you’d never sell anyway. But I do have bad news for you. You know those FTX NFTs you own? Well I wouldn’t hold out hope for them. For one, FTX shut down trading of them after people used them — and native Bahamians — to rescue trapped funds, selling them for $10 million at a time.

Also, if you updated your FTX app last night to try and trade those NFTs, your account is likely compromised.

Barista dressed as a sultry wood nymph

(When they ask your name, say “SBF.”)

Barista: *Laughs

You: Oh you get it? What an insane week it’s been.

Barista: Yeah, I was shorting PAXG last night during the hack.

You: Lol really? My SNX 50x short closed overnight. Thank god for SBF or whatever inside person did the job. $400 million is nuts. I was glued to UpOnly last night.

Barista: Yeah I put in a bunch of 50x shorts on ETH too. 

You: How’d that go?

Barista: Here’s your coffee you curly-haired fuck.

***

Lucky Trader doesn't endorse speaking to your barista that way and if you'd like to read real stories about the FTX saga, check them out here and here.

FTX: What To Tell Your Family — And Barista

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